Cheri Torres | thesofiamagazine

10 Steps to have Conversations Worth Having About BIG Stuff

by Cheri Torres | Jul 30, 2020 | Asheville, Conversation, Pandemic, Social

By Cheri Torres,

This year has brought to a head many conversations we should have been having, but weren’t: It wasn’t the right time. They made us uncomfortable. Why bother, we couldn’t change things. Those in power wouldn’t listen. Too stressful. Not enough time, not enough information. The list could go on and on. The topics are BIG: Among them are systemic racism, social, economic, and educational disparity, governance, climate change, and health care.

Pick the topic that is near and dear to your heart and develop your capacity to begin the conversations, even though they might be uncomfortable and the outcomes uncertain. They may be volatile because divisiveness and hostility are fueling social media. Pause, take a deep breath, and get curious. Invite mutuality.

Start by acknowledging these topics are complex and ambiguous; no one person or small group of people can possibly have answers. It is going to take all of us, willing to engage, willing to change our minds, be influenced by one, and be open to the possibility that there just might be a better future for all of us. How might we imagine that together? I don’t have any answers, but I do know at least some of the important concepts necessary for us to have these conversations:

1. Accept change as a constant. It’s here and there’s going to be a lot more of it. If you can embrace it, all the better.

2. We’re Entering the Unknown. To quote Star Trek: We are boldly going where no one has been before. To see what we’ve never even imagined means dreaming together. Linking ideas. Using metaphor, biomimicry, and imagination about new possible futures.

3. It’s Complex, No One Knows the
Answer. In complex challenges, solutions emerge in the process of generative inquiry. This means asking questions that challenge people to think and see differently, including yourself. To examine assumptions, clarify needs and desired outcomes. To imagine the impossible and to stare long enough at the horizon to allow the future to come into focus.

4. Adopt a Beginner’s Mindset. Engage with the heart and eyes of innocence: be curious, wonder, be open, let go of preconceived ideas, judgments, and assumptions. None of us knows what’s best at this point in history.

5. Come from Your Square. Draw a 1’x1’ square on the floor and then stand in that space. Enter these conversations with the assumption that that space is all you know: You know your story, experience, feelings, needs and wants, period.

6. Let Others Come from Their Square. Recognize that every person in the conversation is standing in their own 1’x1’ box, wanting the same thing you do: to be seen, heard, valued, and included.

7. Listen to One Another. Deep listening will be absolutely essential. Listening to really hear what others are expressing. Listen with an open mind, open heart, and open will. This means listening without downloading your responses or assessing what the other is saying, without judging, and without automatically dismissing suggestions.

8. Adopt an Attitude of Curiosity. Genuine curiosity often arises when you authentically stand in the 1’x1’ square with open mind, heart, and will. Ask questions to clarify another’s perspective, to truly understand their story, to learn from their experiences, and to find ways you might entertain their ideas. Generative questions help us broaden our own understanding and see possibilities where there were none.

9. Focus on Outcomes. Focus the conversations on what you want more of, on the outcomes that will come into being when we have a solution to an issue. For example, instead of focusing on immigration as a problem, focus on the outcomes that would accrue if immigration was not a problem. Focusing on the problem often gives us a single point of view solution, like no more immigration. Focusing on desired outcomes broadens and builds possibilities for solutions. For example, one of the hoped-for outcomes might be that everyone in the country feels safe, secure, and economically stable. We could have a conversation that helps us explore how to make sure everyone in the country feels safe, secure, and economically stable. Closing immigration might or might not be one of many solutions that emerge.

10. Be OK with Being Uncomfortable. Really listening to other people’s points of view with an open mind, heart, and will is bound to get uncomfortable at times. Especially if it bumps up against your values. Be willing to allow the possibility that there’s more than one right way. Any time you feel triggered, pause and breathe deeply. Circle back #4-#9.

It’s time to have these important conversations. Time to start talking with those who are least like us. Those we call “other;” those who need the system to work for them as well. The future depends upon us. Our children’s and their children’s children’s lives depend upon our ability to have the kind of conversations that build new and strong relationships across differences and enable us to co-create our systems so that they work for everyone.

The future can’t help but be uncertain. The current social and economic systems have reached their sustainable capacity. They have brought us to where we are. They cannot take us forward and we cannot go back. The future requires that we intentionally co-create it. To do that we must have conversations worth having.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. For information on training, certification and to download a free Conversation Toolkit go to Conversations WorthHaving.today.

How Will You and Your Family Remember the Pandemic of 2020?

by Cheri Torres | Jun 30, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication, Conversation

By Cheri Torres

So many facets to this coronavirus pandemic. Each one brings a distinct emotional flavor: fear, grief, despair, frustration, loneliness, anger, resentment, boredom and also, joy, peace, generosity, calm, hope, rejuvenation, connection, curiosity, compassion, care, humor, and love. One event giving us an opportunity to experience the full spectrum of human emotion coupled with the full spectrum of human behavior. What we remember about this time in our lives will be at least in part the result of the conversations we have. What kind of conversations are you having with yourself, your family, and your neighbors or colleagues?

If you’re up for fostering conversations worth having with your family, be prepared to listen and be curious. Don’t rush in to fix things or solve people’s feelings or reactions. Take a deep breath and ask them to say more. You will learn more about them and they are likely to discover more about themselves at the same time. Here are some questions you might explore as a family:

How is all of this affecting you? What are you feeling? Thinking?

What are you having to let go of, even though you might not want to?

What do you sense is coming?

What are some unexpected joys or things that brighten your days?

What’s actually been a gift to you, our family, or our community?

What superpowers are you using to adapt and roll with staying at home and physical distancing?

If your kids have noticed you are highly stressed because you’ve lost your job and money is running out, talk with them about what’s happening for millions of people around the world, so they understand everyone is struggling, not just you. Let them know people are reaching out to help one another in ways we’ve not seen before. If you can see they are worrying a lot, ask them to tell you about a time when they were really worried about something going wrong, and in the end, it worked out okay. Then follow up with:

What did you value about yourself in that situation?

What did you value about the other people?

How might we draw from your experience to help us in this situation?

Consider sharing a story of your own when you were worried about some of the same things you are now, and in the end it turned out okay. Share your own strengths and how those same strengths will help you get through this.

If your kids are old enough, invite them into some of the deeper conversations this time in history is calling for. It has never been more clear that our education, healthcare, and economic systems are not working for everyone. How might we pay attention, accept the challenge, and reinvent these important elements of society so they do work for everyone. A few questions you might invite teens and young adults to discuss (or just talk about it with other adults):

How might we make education/school more effective or relevant, especially at this time?

How would you manage school under these circumstances?

What suggestions do you have for school kids who don’t have access to computers and the internet?

What do you think is important for you to learn over the next several months?

What role might you play in making sure you learn what’s important for you?

How might we reinvent our communities so everyone thrives?

How might we reinvent our economy so everyone has an opportunity to contribute and be successful?

If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for? (You can’t wish the virus away and you can’t wish for everything to go back to “normal.”)

Given all that is going on in the world, what are you most grateful for right now?

Finally, you might members of the family (or your friends and colleagues):

When you look back on this time—maybe 10-20 years from now—how do you want to remember it? And how do you want to be remembered?

If your children or grandchildren asked you, how did you manage and how did you contribute in 2020, what would you like to be able to say and have it be true?

What can we do now so that your memory is one you are proud of?

Our conversations are powerful influencers in our lives. They have the ability to strengthen our relationships, fortify our health and wellbeing, enhance our resilience, and fuel our creativity and success . . . or not. They are the single most influential tool we have at our disposal, and we have the ability to choose how we wield that tool.

How might you have conversations worth having with your family, neighbors, and colleagues? Conversations that help them stop and think about this historic moment in history.
Think about who they want to be now and what they want to be able to tell their children and grandchildren about who they and their family was during this time.

An Invitation: Transform stress and challenge into conversations worth having – join us for Monday Kickstarters. Every Monday for the next two months, from Noon – 12:30 PM EST, we are hosting a zoom call to practice turning negative and life-draining thoughts and interactions into productive and meaningful conversations.
Join any time. Reserve your seat https://lnkd.in/emZJpsp.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. Online Conversation Boot camp begins June 24. Download a free Conversation Toolkit at Conversations WorthHaving.today.

Who is accountable for our Future?

by Cheri Torres | Apr 3, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication

By Cheri Torres

In the face of climate change, polarization, and global volatility, how might each one of us step up and become accountable? As human beings dependent upon a healthy environment, why isn’t every community and organization, simply as a matter of course, concerned about “doing the right thing” for the environment? As human beings dependent upon one another for health and wealth, why aren’t communities and organizations doing the “right thing” for every person?

The bigger question is: How can we do what’s “right” and still balance the budget or be financially successful. Doing the “right thing” should be a simple decision, but it becomes complex in the face of our global monetary-based economy, human desire and fear, and marketing and political influences. This is a problem best resolved by engaging all stakeholders in outcomes-focused conversations inspired by generative questions. In other words, by talking about what we want for the long run (e.g., a healthy environment, a livable wage, equity, communities concerned for the welfare of all, etc.) and asking questions that help us think differently while creating positive and innovative images of shared and desired futures.

Some CEOs and business leaders are already engaging in such conversations at both national and international levels. They are exploring what it means to be a business with purpose beyond just profit, what it means to be guided by principles and corporate responsibility, and to ensure long-term success for all stakeholders including the organization. Associations committed to Conscious Capitalism, Business as an Agent of World Benefit, B Corporations, and Business with Purpose are sharing information and fostering conferences to support positive change and solutions to complex challenges such as these. Research is showing that as these businesses make more responsible decisions—as they choose to be accountable to all stakeholders: shareholders, vendors, employees, Directors, community and environment—their profits actually increase over the long run. In other words, they can make the “right” choice and be financially successful. Raj Sisodia, founder of Conscious Capitalism, and his colleagues have been studying these businesses to learn what works. They’ve published their results in two editions of Firms of Endearment. Their data shows the 10-year ROI for many of these companies is consistently 800% – 1200%! Isn’t that a conversation your organization would want to be in?

Any of us can influence the conversations in our communities and organizations. Ultimately, decisions may be made at a level far above our position, but imagine the influence if every member of an organization kept engaging in conversations fueled by questions such as:

• How might we produce with zero waste?

• What process could we use to avoid toxic substances?

• What might our by-products be used for?

• What could neutralize our toxic footprint?

• How might using renewable energy improve our bottom line?

• How might being a good citizen to the world improve our customer loyalty?

• Would our customers be more loyal and even pay a premium if they understood we were a zero-carbon footprint company?

• How might we serve a broader purpose, adding value for the environment or people beyond our product or service?

• How can make our bottom line be about profit, planet and people?

• What might make my work deeply meaningful?

As customers, we have conversational power as well. We can ask the organizations from which we buy goods and services:

• How are they making sure our water, air, and land remain clean?

• How are they responsible to people and planet as well as profit?

• How are they choosing to do the “right” thing because it is the right thing to do?

And we need to be willing to ask ourselves tough questions, and engage in conversations with our own family:

• Are we willing to pay the price for doing the right thing, e.g., if it means higher costs or a temporary decrease in our own ROI?

• How might we reduce our own waste and toxic footprint?

• How might we be part of the solution in our community and places of work and worship?

• How might we support creative solutions that ultimately increase overall health and wealth for
everyone?

We can be accountable to our future; we simply need the will and the commitment to generative conversations that help us find ways to do the right thing. Every farmer, every CEO, every board president, every citizen knows it’s a bad idea to pollute our water, bury toxins, and destroy our natural forests. We know it is wrong to hoard wealth while those who help produce it struggle. Only our self-limiting beliefs and lack of imagination keeps us from being accountable for our children’s children. We are human beings, however: creative, intelligent, and capable of amazing ingenuity, especially when we think collectively and positively. How might you inspire conversations that ignite our creative genius and inspire our collective will?

Wherever you are in your organization or community, start asking generative questions to fuel conversations that ignite the collective human spirit to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

Books that Inspire

by Cheri Torres | Feb 28, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Conversation, Leadership, Women

By Cheri Torres

I am inspired by two books I recently read: Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng, and Braiding Sweetgrass, by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Each of these wonderful storytellers pave the way for meaningful conversation about a critical topic. What delights me is the way they frame the conversations. They invite us to see the complexity of reality and ask us to recognize how detrimental it is to see things from narrow, objective, non-relational perspectives. What each of these books have in common is their invitation to see the world through the eyes of the artist and poet. To see reality from a more holistic perspective and to embrace multiple ways of knowing the world.

Celeste Ng’s story brings the reader into the complex world of privilege and discrimination in ways that allow us to see how systems of privilege stifle authenticity and genuine meaningful living at all levels. Exposed to each character’s hopes, perspectives, and pain, we have the opportunity to see how polarity and positioning around important decisions gives way to the system, leaving little room for authentic choice. The artist’s view, however, invites us to see beneath a character’s thoughts and emotions, to see the spiritual crisis the current system generates for everyone in it. She gives us a window into a world where people are seen, where genuine relationships might allow us to connect, deepen understanding, and find a way forward that defined by ‘us’ instead of the system.

How might we foster conversations about racial justice that allow us to make room to hear one another’s stories, to bear witness to one another’s struggle to be human, and to share a commitment to creating a world that works for everyone. The two practices from Conversations Worth Having support such conversations: create a positive frame for the conversation and ask generative questions. For example, positive frames and generative questions for conversations around equity and racial justice might be:

• Frame: Connecting through Our Stories

• Tell me about a time of struggle in your life and how you dealt/deal with it. What do you most value about yourself and others in your story?

• How does our current system of inequity negatively impact you?

• How is our current system impacting you and your ability to thrive?

• How do your strengths and privileges show up in your life? How might they help us move toward an equitable system?

• Frame: Creating Share Images of the Future

• What three wishes do you have for the future?

• What would genuine equity in our schools look like?

• Imagine community decision making was equitable. What would be different? How would we know it was equitable and just?

• Frame: Developing Pathways Toward Equity

• What steps might be taken to ensure equity?

• What three things can we do to get started?

• How can we design our schools and train our teachers to ensure equity?

In Braiding Sweetgrass, Dr. Kimmerer invites us out of the polarization around climate change by showing us a more whole way of seeing the world. Emphasizing relationships, she encourages us to embrace multiple ways of knowing in order to inform a broader perspective of the world around us. Instead of either/or, black and white thinking, we are encouraged to recognize the world as both object and subject, both material and metaphysical. Instead of polarity, the invitation is to come into relationship with nature, to see our connection and interdependence so that we can have conversations at a level that just might allow us to find ways forward.

Again, the two practices from Conversations Worth Having are of value. Sharing our stories helps us connect to one another, opening the door for us to discover our commonalities around important topics. Framing further conversation to support possibilities for the future creates a bridge for us to move forward together. For example:

Frame 1: Our Common Connections to Nature

• Tell me about a time in your life when you felt most connected to nature. What did you value about yourself? What did you value about nature?

• How does nature and our environment impact you, your family, and our community?

• What is your relationship with nature and the environment?

Frame 2: A Shared Vision for Our Relationship with the Environment

• Imagine we had a relationship with nature and our environment that was mutually beneficial.
What might that look like?

• If we redesigned our neighborhoods and communities to embrace nature and nurture flourishing, what would they look like?

• Imagine you have an intimate and positive relationship with all of nature. What would that mean for you? How would you benefit? How would nature benefit?

Frame 3: Designing for Wholeness

• What can we do now to create neighborhoods and communities that embrace nature and nurture flourishing?

• What three things can each of us do to feel connected to nature each day?

• What action might the city take to ensure our environment thrives so that we can thrive? What role can we play in making that possible?

Whether you are reading books that inspire conversations about vital topics or not, such conversations are essential to our future. I invite you to join me in shifting those conversations away from the personal—us against them, me vs. you, one right way, mine—and toward dialogue that helps us find common ground, allows us to envision futures that work well for the whole, and creates possibilities for collaborative action. I actually want to do more than invite you to join me, I implore you to do so. The lives of our children and our children’s children quite literally depend upon it.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

Why is Good Communication so Elusive?

by Cheri Torres | Jan 31, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication, relationships

By Cheri Torres

There’s a reason effective communication has remained in the top five issues in relationships and organizations. We treat it like a transaction: I say something, you receive the message and interpret it, then you respond. We point at and blame one another for not communicating effectively, for misinterpreting, or not understanding. With this model, communication becomes a problem to be solved. But, it’s not.

The Foundation of Communication

Consider that we are almost always in conversation with ourselves or others. Language allows us to create meaning in the world, assess experience, and predict. When it comes to our inner dialogue, language is the basis for rehearsing what we’re going to say, worrying about what we said, critiquing what just happened, judging others and ourselves, making up stories, running through possible solutions to problems, assessing the level of threat in a situation, projecting onto others, and worrying about or planning the future. This inner world of dialogue creates a preconditioned mindset, which influences our communication. If we want to improve our communication, mindfulness about the influence of our words and their effect on us and others is essential.

Words Influence Our Mindset

Our nervous system has two primary functions: (1) keep us safe and alive and (2) enable us to connect, think, and create. The first function is dominant. Anytime we are threatened, our nervous system activates our protect functions: fight, flight, freeze, or appease. There is a whole biochemistry associated with this. Stress hormones are released—cortisol, norepinephrine, and testosterone. These hormones boost energy and oxygen to the muscles and away from the higher order centers of the brain: the prefrontal lobe and the neocortex. They also generate an array of emotions, influenced by our thoughts. If we need to flee a saber tooth tiger, this an effective solution. However, it is most ineffective if we are instead facing a boss who’s expressing disappointment in our performance or we need to have a crucial conversation with a child. When we communicate from a place of high stress, fear, anger, etc., we have limited access to the parts of our brain that enable connection, creativity, and higher order thinking. We are bound to communicate ineffectively.

One of the primary threats in relationships and the business world is the threat of being excluded, ostracized, and rejected. Belonging is one of those basic human needs; without the tribe we die. When we have a strong sense of belonging and feel secure in our relationships and position within the organization or the family, it is easier to face stress without getting hijacked into protecting ourselves. This sense of belonging stimulates hormones that shift the brain chemistry in ways that gives us access to the prefrontal lobe and neocortex. A different set of emotions are generated by these hormones: Love, caring, appreciation, curiosity, etc. When we have access to those parts of the brain we can connect with others, access emotional intelligence, be creative, learn, and engage in critical thinking. This is what we most need for effective communication, especially in those stressful situations. So, how do we shift our brain chemistry?

Mindfulness

To foster effective communication means being in charge of your own mindset before beginning to speak.

1. You are in charge. Understand your ability to communicate effectively is influenced by your brain-body chemistry. Understand you are NOT your neurophysiology. You can influence it.

2. Practice awareness. As soon as you experience the need to protect and defend yourself, PAUSE. Take a deep breath.

3. Then, get curious. Ask questions that help you shift the way you are thinking:

• What do I actually want to happen right now?

• What else might explain what the other person said or did?

• What information might I not know?

• What questions can I ask that will expand the opportunity in this situation?

Just asking these kinds of questions changes your brain chemistry. Curiosity is a positive emotion, associated with the prefrontal lobe. When you communicate from this more whole brain place, your communication is naturally more effective. As you access emotional intelligence you are able to relate better; your body language, tone of voice, and words you use are more likely to support connection. Your ability to come from a whole brain mindset supports a shift in mindset for the others in the conversation as well, influencing their ability to communicate more effectively.

Good communication is an “inside job.” Asking questions that generate curiosity, openness, and interest helps us manage our stress response and negative emotions, allowing our natural ability for good communication
to emerge.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

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