Jill Long | thesofiamagazine

My New Year’s Resolution

by Jill Long | Dec 31, 2019 | Asheville, Counseling, Healing

My new year’s resolution turns out to be more of an intention than a resolution. The thought that turned into an intention came to me in the middle of the night right after Thanksgiving. Maybe because I sense other’s mood/energy and can absorb it at times if I’m not careful. As it turns out, there are people in Asheville who are in a foul mood and not sending out the good vibes that we are known for, and I pick up on them even with complete strangers. It sometimes takes a concerted effort to not take on the energy of others. So, here’s my intention: to send out positive, healing energy and to be received by others with gratitude and acceptance who can either benefit from the healing, be grateful for the positivity, or become friends.

The older I get, the less I want to deal with, especially when it comes to people who are in a bad mood. Of course, we all have bad moods, but there seem to be some people who are in a constant state of irritability and negativity. They are not people I know in my business life but people I see out in public. You can pick them out in the crowd, either by something they do to you or others or just by the type of energy they emit. And these people aren’t always accepting of those of us who try to be more upbeat and loving.

I am the person who calls people “sweetie” or “love” or who reaches out to give someone a hug if they need it. And I run across people who are uncomfortable with this. Now let me say that I grew up in the south so this is perfectly comfortable to me. And since we don’t come with signs stating our comfortability with such, I assume most everyone else is (since we are still in the south). But I have found that some people are not, so I set my intention this year to attract the people in my life who accept how I am in the world and don’t get offended by it. I am going to build an invisible shield around myself to protect myself from the energies that do not serve me or honor who I am.

When I make this statement and set my intention on attracting like-energy to myself, I have to keep in mind that an intention is a two-sided coin. It involves both the energy we intend to put out as well as the energy we intend to receive. As Newton says, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Now I’m not sure how this will play out with my new year’s intention, but I’m hoping for good results. Maybe I should add to my intention that I want to receive only positive, healing energy and to have gratitude for such. Okay that feels more complete.

Jill Long, M.A. Ed.
Licensed Professional Counselor

Deserved Selfishness

by Jill Long | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Counseling, Women Empowerment

By Jill Long

As women, we tend to expend a lot of energy taking care of other people and things, from our homes to our children, parents, and friends. Women typically take on the care-taker role and may forget to take care of themselves. With the holidays quickly approaching, and the extra demands that go with them, it may be time to figure out where we fit in this picture. “Deserved selfishness” is not just a habit to practice this time of year, but to be practiced throughout the year.

We may place ourselves last on the list and since the list is never-ending, we may never get the time we deserve. Sometimes, even if we plan time for ourselves, we may find ourselves sacrificing that time to do something someone else wants or needs us to do. It seems so easy to break a promise of time for ourselves but we would never think of missing an appointment or commitment to someone else. Why is the appointment with someone else more important than one with yourself?

Maybe it’s time to take a look at where we place ourselves on the list and practice some “deserved selfishness.” We are all taught from an early age not to be selfish. We are asked to share our toys, let others’ take their turn, or share a room with a sibling. Maybe we need to take a look at our definition of “selfish”. Maybe we think that taking care of ourselves is being selfish. The definition of selfishness is being overly concerned with self to the detriment of others. So being selfish means I shouldn’t do something for myself that can make someone else’s life harder, not that I shouldn’t sometimes put myself first. So why do we feel we are being selfish to take care of ourselves?

I think that maybe a more appropriate term for what we do is called “self-sacrificing.” Self-sacrificing is giving up oneself for the benefit of others. If we are self-sacrificing, we may tend to be angry, depressed, anxious, or tired because we are not nourishing ourselves or our souls. Furthermore, we lose sight of who we are. Ongoing self-sacrificing will make us sick, either physically, mentally, or both. There is not a medical description for this kind of sickness, but I believe that ongoing self-sacrifice manifests itself in illness. We are not nourishing our mind, body, or spirit when we give up ourselves for the benefit of others.

If we have to have a term to describe putting ourselves first, can we agree to look at it not as selfishness but as “deserved selfishness?” Can we use the term “deserved selfishness” to mean taking care of oneself so that we have the physical, mental, and emotional energy to care for others? We do not have to feel guilty or bad about taking care of ourselves and should not feel selfish when we do so.

Some have self-sacrificed so long, raising children or caring for elderly parents, that we do not know how to take care of ourselves in a way that replenishes us. We may be able to sleep and feel rested, but we cannot re-energize our souls solely with sleep. We need time to self-reflect, relax and take care of our body’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

What have you purposefully done for yourself lately? When was the last time you set your intention to do something that replenishes you? So many people say, “I don’t have time,” but if you truly look at the time you have, you can create time for “deserved selfishness.” Make an appointment with yourself, don’t allow yourself to cancel it, and don’t allow someone else to take priority over it.

“Deserved selfishness” is most helpful if practiced regularly. We need to give ourselves time to re-energize on a daily basis. Different types of personalities need varying amounts of time to re-energize the mind, body, and spirit. You are the best judge of how much time and how often it takes to feel more connected and refreshed. Again, this is not about sleep. So how do you figure out your own dynamic with “deserved selfishness?” Start with making a list of things you like to do. If you have a hard time thinking of these things, because it’s been so long since you took time for yourself, think of what you used to enjoy or what you see in others’ enjoyment. Practice giving yourself the time to do these during the week. Have things on your list that only take a few minutes as well as things that take a few hours, or day. Give back to yourself according to what makes you feel better. Also start a list of things you’d like to do but haven’t tried yet. Start a new hobby, reach out and do volunteer work, or stay home and read a book. Think of what you enjoyed as a child and expand on that.

I encourage you to include exercise in these lists. It doesn’t have to be the latest trend, but something you enjoy that moves your body. Exercise is a good way to create new energy and provide “deserved” time for yourself. Gentle exercise could include going outside for a brisk walk. Being in nature is a truly grounding activity, and feeling grounding is a necessary part of self-care. Whatever activity you choose, do it with purpose. Set an intention that this activity will be meaningful, fulfilling, and empowering. “Deserved selfishness” can become a way of life if you accept it as time to reflect, re-energize, refocus, and relax. In doing so we can be more present with others, feel less stressed, and be healthier.

Jill Long, M.A. Ed.
Licensed Professional Counselor

Spaghetti vs. Waffles–Use of Active Listening

by Jill Long | Oct 1, 2019 | Asheville, Counseling, relationships

By Jill Long

The way men and women communicate differently is a topic discussed by almost everyone. Issues arise in relationships as a result of these communication differences, and ongoing issues in communication can lead to broken relationships. Creating a dynamic of effective communication can promote our relationships. Practicing effective communication by using active listening skills can help. The purpose of active communication is to understand or be understood. Active listening is not designed to determine if someone is right or wrong, but to improve our relationships, create a less stressful life, and promote a more harmonious environment.

Based on our unique environments, no two people communicate in the same way. We do tend to respond more positively to others who have similar backgrounds and beliefs, and tend to have a more difficult time communicating effectively or being understood by people who have different values and beliefs. Also, no two people’s brains are wired the same which also facilitates different perspectives and therefore different communication styles. This seems to present itself between men and women.

Different communication styles between men and women can be frustrating. Women’s style has been compared to spaghetti. Everything runs together and it is hard to not connect things, which may be why we tend to bring up past wrongdoings during an argument. Men’s communication style has been compared to waffles. Pockets of information that do not necessarily interconnect. Men tend to be problem-solvers and want to suggest solutions to situations. They tend to focus on the immediate issue, whereas, women tend to communicate for connection, but intermingle thoughts together. Many times, women just want to be understood and empathized with, not given solutions. Therefore, women and men can have problems communicating.

These differences can create problems with our spouse/significant other because we live and create a life with them. If there are too many disagreements or differences in lifestyle choices and the way communication about these occur, relationships can become estranged. If ineffective communication has not changed, and there is no resolution or repair, relationships can dissolve.

As was mentioned earlier, women’s thoughts are entangled together (like spaghetti) and we tend to connect thoughts and communicate accordingly. When this happens, the man can become overwhelmed and shut down. This is known as stonewalling. He may go to another room and can become basically non-communicative. This behavior may trigger women to talk more and get more aggravated as she feels he doesn’t care. The argument may escalate because the woman doesn’t feel heard and the man feels overwhelmed. The man again, is a problem solver, and may need time to process all that is being said, but because of the differences in communication style, the argument has taken on its’ own life and may no longer be about what it started as. Women may need an outlet to vent their frustrations and men may need time to “cave” and process.

In addition to being aware of these differences, both parties can benefit by participating in active listening with each other. Active listening is as the name implies, “active.” Active listening uses open ended questions, reflective statements, and clarification. Open ended questions are questions designed to continue the communication, not questions that allow for a yes, no, or one-word answer. An everyday example of open-ended question would be, “Tell me about your day,” opposed to a close-ended question such as “How was work/school today?” The first statement would require more conversation than the second. The second could be answered with “fine,” or “awful.” Open ended questions solicit more conversation than closed questions. The second part of active listening is reflective statements. This is not just parroting what someone says, but reflecting the content as well as the feeling. Reflective statements require a certain amount of empathy and are a big connection point for women. They can also cut down on defensiveness because you are not thinking about yourself or your next comment. It further helps to calm the other person as they feel understood. Finally, active listening uses clarification to make sure you thoroughly understand where the other person is coming from. You can reflect back what you have heard and say “Let me see if I understand what you are saying.”

As I said, reflective listening is a connection point for women. The term “empathy” comes to mind when thinking about active/reflective listening. Empathy is having an emotional or intellectual connection with another person. It is taking time to “walk in someone else’s shoes,” to live their life for just a few minutes. Try using empathy the next time you are in a conversation with someone. Reflect their feelings and their situations back to them and see how it goes. You’re not agreeing with what they are saying or implying that they are right or wrong, you are just identifying how they feel and reflecting back what you have heard.

Obviously effective communication is very hard work. Effective communication requires us to be able to let our guard down, become vulnerable at times, and not believe that every discussion requires someone to be right and someone else to be wrong. The object of effective communication and therefore improved relationships is to be able to live in harmony whether we are spaghetti or waffles. Active listening is a big part of effective communication and can improve relationships.

Whether you are spaghetti or waffles, awareness of differences and communicating using active listening can create a more peaceful style of communication. Active listening cuts down on the need to be right, defensiveness, and feelings of disconnection. Our lives and our relationships can be so much less stressful if we seek to understand others. We are also much more likely to come up with solutions or compromises if we understand the other perspective.

Practicing active listening can improve our relationships and help us in our everyday relationships at home as well as in our work life.

The Role of Thoughts in our Happiness

by Jill Long | Sep 11, 2019 | Asheville, Counseling

By Jill Long

It is out of the times when we are feeling the most uncomfortable that we are at our strongest point for personal growth. We tend to view our difficult times as weak points, but if we see these times as opportunities, we can develop our potential and be more authentic. Instead of getting caught up in the “bad” feelings of sadness, fear, or even anger, and trying to rid ourselves of them, we could be-friend them and allow them to tell us what may need to change in our lives. Through evaluating these thoughts and feelings, we can move to make changes in our behavior and make our lives happier, be more present, and more authentic in the world.

We tend to identify closely with our problems and feelings even allowing ourselves to be labeled by them. We may say: “I’m just an angry person,” or “I have a quick temper.” Feelings occur as a result of thoughts based on an event that has happened. We are not born with a certain predisposition of feelings. They may come from an unconscious thought or one that extends so far back in our lives we no longer recognize it. The feelings that come from these thoughts can become our “go to” feelings when certain things happen that may trigger us. We may even become comfortable with these feelings and not know how to be without them. However, it is helpful to identify and evaluate them, allowing them to become friends to help us. Through this process, we can understand our feelings and make changes in our behavior.

Some thoughts are “automatic thoughts.” They occur without much effort because we have become programed by these thoughts. These automatic thoughts will lead us to certain feelings. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. You may not realize at the time, but this action on someone else’s part can trigger certain automatic thoughts such as: What an idiot, Did they not see me? What a bad driver. These thoughts may not even register at the time, but they are there in the background of your mind. These thoughts then may lead you to become angry. This process happens within a few seconds, behind the scenes of your awareness. Within a few seconds you have caused yourself to become angry–possibly increasing you blood pressure, heart rate, and even temper. You didn’t start your day to get upset, but here you are.

To take time to identify your automatic thoughts can be very helpful in creating a happier and more authentic life. These thoughts can cause more angst than help, can lead to uncomfortable feelings, even inappropriate or illegal actions, or spending time dwelling on something that happened which you had no control over.

Back to the example of someone cutting you off in traffic. Take time to think about what your automatic thoughts are: What an idiot, Did they not see me? What if for a moment you questioned what might be going on in their life? Could they have just got bad news? Are they sick? Would these questions help change your automatic thoughts and possibly create less anger or stress for yourself?

We have all had life events that caused varying degrees of troubled thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. Others may not understand the extent of our discomfort because what is troubling for one person may not be as troubling for another. Instead of dismissing our feelings and thoughts, or labeling ourselves, maybe we could examine our thoughts and feelings, allowing them to teach us about ourselves. This doesn’t mean we need to dwell on them, but allow whatever experience you have to be present with no judgement. Explore your automatic thoughts and how you present in the world based on your thoughts, and see which ones still serve you.

Think about all the people and events that have shaped your life and your automatic thoughts, and therefore who you have become as a result. You have developed automatic thoughts about the world and have become a reflection of that. You have a world view based on your thoughts that is mirrored to the world in your actions. If you do not like who you see in this mirror, take time to evaluate your thoughts about the world and how it reflects on your actions. Personal growth comes from viewing your thoughts and life experiences in a different light, not seeing them as good or bad, but as potential. Our thoughts about our life and how they have shaped our world view, are the key to happiness and living an authentic life.

The next time you are feeling upset or down, take a moment to reflect on why you feel the way you feel, and which thoughts lead to those feelings. Ask yourself as many times as needed: Why do I feel this way? How do my thoughts affect the way I feel? Is this a true reflection of who I am or want to be in the world? Use the insight you gain from this exploration to lead to more happiness and fulfillment in the world.

Jill Long, M.A. Ed.
Licensed Professional Counselor