Asheville | thesofiamagazine

Light Up the Night

by JeanAnn Taylor | Dec 2, 2019 | Asheville, Fashion, Style

By JeanAnn Taylor

Tis the season to sparkle and what better way to shine than to wear a dress adorned with sequins or sparkly threads sewn right into the fabric? A glittery top or dress will bring all the eyes to you, so when you wear this look, it’s best to
get it right.

Uncomplicated silhouettes are most suitable for highly adorned gowns as the garment can stand on its own. The sparkle of the fabric is all that is needed to make a statement. Plunging, low-cut necklines or sky-high hemlines can distract from the flair and elegance of the dress. Streamlined strapless sheaths or long column dresses can look modern and stylish. Sequined fabric is often a bit stiff due to the glued-on crystals, or heavy from the sparkly threads. Only if the fabric is soft and flexible can it be gathered into the waist to create a twirl effect.

The way a dress fits your body is always an important feature to consider, but when it comes to shiny, flashy fabric, it’s even more essential. Sparkly fabrics declare, “Look at me,” so make sure all eyes are going where you want them to look.

You don’t have to wear sequins from head to toe to make a twinkling point. You can choose a top with sequined highlights and wear it with a solid color skirt, or accessorize with a pair of sequined heels. Another option is to wear a sparkly bodice with a satin or chiffon skirt. This gives you a glittering essence and leaves the skirt free to twirl around the dance floor. Touches of bling here and there look elegant and they may lend themselves to more opportunities of wear than a full-sparkled dress.

With all the bling coming from your dress, jewelry may be optional. Just take care that whatever jewelry you do choose won’t snag on your sparkly garment. Other accessories can be tastefully small, allowing your dress to be the main attraction.

Be sure to brighten your eyes and wear lipgloss whenever you wear flashy garments. You don’t want to compete with your dress, but you also don’t want to fade behind it.

Enjoy the sparkle and bright lights of the holidays in a dress that sparkles like a star!

Style expert JeanAnn Taylor can be reached
at [email protected]

3 Practices to GET AHEAD at Work

by Cheri Torres | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Conversation, Management

By Cheri Torres

No matter where you are in your organization, you can make a difference and get noticed. If you’re in management, you can fuel productivity and meaningful engagement. If you’re on the front line, you can inspire teamwork and creativity. You can even address issues with your boss effectively. You can do all of this through conversation.

We forget how powerful our conversations are. They influence our wellbeing, relationships, and ability to succeed. Become a conversation change agent and you will become a valued member of your organization. There are three simple practices that will help you catalyze conversations worth having.

#1: Pause, Breathe, Get Curious

How often do you feel defensive, annoyed, or critical of your colleagues or boss? They do something and you get triggered. This natural response to stress or threat is normal, but not helpful. This first practice is: PAUSE before reacting. Take a deep breath. And get curious: Why are you defensive? Have you made assumptions? Are you sure what you think is true? Absolutely sure?

Example: you’re walking down the hallway toward your boss. As you pass by, you smile and say, “Hi!” She says nothing; she is scowling. You feel rejected, and think, “She’s arrogant.” Fear creeps: What if she didn’t like the report you just turned in. You’re starting to make up stories.

Let’s apply Practice #1. Pause. Breathe and recognize that you just got triggered. Then get curious:

1. What are the facts? You said “Hi!” She didn’t answer. Her face had an unhappy-kind-of-expression. She didn’t say anything. You got triggered. That’s it. Everything else is made up.

2. What else might explain those facts? She was lost in thought and didn’t hear you. She just heard bad news. She was headed to a meeting she was worried about. She’s not feeling well.

3. Question assumptions. Has she even read your report yet? Is she an arrogant person?

Just asking yourself these few questions can shift your thinking and feeling. Genuine curiosity emerges: Is she okay? Is there anything you can do to support her?

You can use this practice to help you shift from self-protection to connection. You can also use it to shift meeting dynamics. Imagine your team is arguing. You might say, “Let’s pause. Can we take a moment to get the facts up on the board and begin to see what we know and don’t know?” Once that’s done, you might say, “I’m not as clear as I thought I was. What outcome are we hoping for?” Just these simple questions can shift the tone and direction of the original conversation.

#2: Ask Generative Questions

Generative questions shift the way people think. In the above examples, your thinking about your boss and your team’s thinking shifted because of the nature of the questions. Generative questions also create compelling images that inspire action. Once all the facts are on the whiteboard and you have a shared understanding of the outcome, you might ask a question that creates compelling images such as, “How might we move towards our desired outcome?”

Generative questions typically result in:

1. Stronger relationships because people take time to ask one another questions that create connection, inclusion, and understanding.

2. New information and new knowledge because asking questions has surfaced facts, challenged assumptions, and brought forth collective wisdom.

3. Possibilities for solutions and actions because people ask questions that enable divergent and creative thinking.

4. Images of the future because people ask questions about desired outcomes.

#3: Create a Positive Frame

The last practice is to talk about what you want instead of what you don’t want. When there are problems or complaints, flip the focus to desired outcomes. For example, if your staff is complaining, instead of asking them, “What’s wrong?” Ask them, “What would you like to see change? What might we do to improve things?”

If you need to address a problem with your boss, you are not likely to point out what he is doing wrong. Instead, create a positive frame for the conversation and ask generative questions. Example: Imagine you keep getting last minute assignments at the end of the day. You might frame a conversation with your boss around wanting to excel in the job. You might ask generative questions like, “What ideas do you have to help me be successful when you give me assignments?” and “If I have questions I want to ask to make sure we’re on the same page about the outcome of my work, when is the best time for me to ask?” Then engage in a conversation that ensures you are able to meet or exceed his expectations.

No matter what is happening in your organization or where you sit hierarchically, you can make a positive difference simply by fostering conversations worth having. And when you do, you will be noticed!

Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.

Self Care for the Season

by Natasha Kubis | Oct 31, 2019 | Accupuncture, Asheville, yoga

By Natasha Kubis

As we transition into autumn we start to observe the lush greenery of summer transform into a fiery palette of oranges, reds, and browns. The crisp, cool air encourages the trees to shed their leaves so that they may grow new buds in spring. As the seasons come and go, we too go through changes every moment of every day. We are reminded that everything around us is in a perpetual state of flux. In life, change is the only constant. The ebb and flow of nature reminds us to be grateful for the present moment, however fleeting, and to be comfortable with letting go of the past in order to move into the next cycle of life. Nurturing yourself through the seasons can help you transition with nature in a comfortable and conscientious way. Here are some activities to help you move with ease through the coming months.

Create a daily gratitude practice

The autumn harvest is an opportunity to practice gratitude for the abundance in your life. Listing things for which you are grateful allows you to appreciate what you have in the present moment. Instead of stewing over things that you feel are lacking, try making a mental list of each and every thing that you cherish in life.

Minimize your stuff

Removing objects in your life that no longer serve you by either donating them to charity or recycling them is an efficient way to remove clutter. Creating a healthy space that is free of physical chaos also encourages peace and clarity in the mind and allows you to make room for new possibilities and growth.

Take stock of your life through journaling

Journaling can help you assess the things in your life that need attention and focus. It is a great way to strategize and manifest your goals and objectives. What do you need to let go of in your life in order to move forward? It might include relationships that need to be re-evaluated, work projects that need to be finished, or old habits that need to be discarded. If there are major life changes that need to be addressed, enlist the support of friends, loved ones, or a professional counselor.

Make the most of the autumn harvest with nourishing food

This time of year has an abundance of wholesome fruits and vegetables. Try to incorporate seasonal foods into your diet such as apples, pears, squash, artichokes, arugula, spinach, beets, cabbage, and leeks. Chinese medicine recommends eating lots of soups, stews, and porridges as well as stewed fruits during colder months. Use warming spices such as cinnamon, cardamom, and nutmeg on top of oatmeal or in baking recipes. Drink ginger teas with fresh ginger, lemon, and honey to strengthen your immune system.

Connect with nature

Nature is stunning at this time of year with its chilly air and rust colored landscape as your playground. Walking through the forest or sitting by a campfire are great ways to be present and admire nature’s beautiful transition.

Have a candle lit bath

A warm bath feels extra wonderful when it is cold outside. Make a date with yourself and create a luxurious bath. Fill the tub with hot water, Epsom salts, and essential oils. Light some candles, settle in, and relax with your favorite music or book.

Try these restorative yoga poses in the following sequence

1. Lie on your back and hug your knees into your chest. Rock from side to side. Take five deep inhales and exhales. Drop your knees to the right for a few moments and then to the left for a gentle twist.

2. For reclined pigeon pose, cross your ankle over your opposite knee. Hold for five deep inhales and exhales, and then switch legs. This is a gentle way to release tension in the hip area.

3. Roll over onto your belly and come up onto your forearms for a mild back bend. Hold for a count of five deep inhales and exhales.

4. Push back into a child’s pose by coming up to your hands and knees and then releasing your hips down toward your heels as you stretch your arms forward. This is a simple way to release tension from your back and hips.

Practicing gratitude, removing clutter from your physical space, taking stock of your life through self reflection, connecting with nature, and incorporating self care rituals through diet and yoga are all simple and accessible ways to help us shed the past that no longer serves us, just as nature renews itself with each season.

Natasha Kubis is a licensed acupuncturist and certified yoga teacher.
For more information, visit essential-well.com

Deserved Selfishness

by Jill Long | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Counseling, Women Empowerment

By Jill Long

As women, we tend to expend a lot of energy taking care of other people and things, from our homes to our children, parents, and friends. Women typically take on the care-taker role and may forget to take care of themselves. With the holidays quickly approaching, and the extra demands that go with them, it may be time to figure out where we fit in this picture. “Deserved selfishness” is not just a habit to practice this time of year, but to be practiced throughout the year.

We may place ourselves last on the list and since the list is never-ending, we may never get the time we deserve. Sometimes, even if we plan time for ourselves, we may find ourselves sacrificing that time to do something someone else wants or needs us to do. It seems so easy to break a promise of time for ourselves but we would never think of missing an appointment or commitment to someone else. Why is the appointment with someone else more important than one with yourself?

Maybe it’s time to take a look at where we place ourselves on the list and practice some “deserved selfishness.” We are all taught from an early age not to be selfish. We are asked to share our toys, let others’ take their turn, or share a room with a sibling. Maybe we need to take a look at our definition of “selfish”. Maybe we think that taking care of ourselves is being selfish. The definition of selfishness is being overly concerned with self to the detriment of others. So being selfish means I shouldn’t do something for myself that can make someone else’s life harder, not that I shouldn’t sometimes put myself first. So why do we feel we are being selfish to take care of ourselves?

I think that maybe a more appropriate term for what we do is called “self-sacrificing.” Self-sacrificing is giving up oneself for the benefit of others. If we are self-sacrificing, we may tend to be angry, depressed, anxious, or tired because we are not nourishing ourselves or our souls. Furthermore, we lose sight of who we are. Ongoing self-sacrificing will make us sick, either physically, mentally, or both. There is not a medical description for this kind of sickness, but I believe that ongoing self-sacrifice manifests itself in illness. We are not nourishing our mind, body, or spirit when we give up ourselves for the benefit of others.

If we have to have a term to describe putting ourselves first, can we agree to look at it not as selfishness but as “deserved selfishness?” Can we use the term “deserved selfishness” to mean taking care of oneself so that we have the physical, mental, and emotional energy to care for others? We do not have to feel guilty or bad about taking care of ourselves and should not feel selfish when we do so.

Some have self-sacrificed so long, raising children or caring for elderly parents, that we do not know how to take care of ourselves in a way that replenishes us. We may be able to sleep and feel rested, but we cannot re-energize our souls solely with sleep. We need time to self-reflect, relax and take care of our body’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

What have you purposefully done for yourself lately? When was the last time you set your intention to do something that replenishes you? So many people say, “I don’t have time,” but if you truly look at the time you have, you can create time for “deserved selfishness.” Make an appointment with yourself, don’t allow yourself to cancel it, and don’t allow someone else to take priority over it.

“Deserved selfishness” is most helpful if practiced regularly. We need to give ourselves time to re-energize on a daily basis. Different types of personalities need varying amounts of time to re-energize the mind, body, and spirit. You are the best judge of how much time and how often it takes to feel more connected and refreshed. Again, this is not about sleep. So how do you figure out your own dynamic with “deserved selfishness?” Start with making a list of things you like to do. If you have a hard time thinking of these things, because it’s been so long since you took time for yourself, think of what you used to enjoy or what you see in others’ enjoyment. Practice giving yourself the time to do these during the week. Have things on your list that only take a few minutes as well as things that take a few hours, or day. Give back to yourself according to what makes you feel better. Also start a list of things you’d like to do but haven’t tried yet. Start a new hobby, reach out and do volunteer work, or stay home and read a book. Think of what you enjoyed as a child and expand on that.

I encourage you to include exercise in these lists. It doesn’t have to be the latest trend, but something you enjoy that moves your body. Exercise is a good way to create new energy and provide “deserved” time for yourself. Gentle exercise could include going outside for a brisk walk. Being in nature is a truly grounding activity, and feeling grounding is a necessary part of self-care. Whatever activity you choose, do it with purpose. Set an intention that this activity will be meaningful, fulfilling, and empowering. “Deserved selfishness” can become a way of life if you accept it as time to reflect, re-energize, refocus, and relax. In doing so we can be more present with others, feel less stressed, and be healthier.

Jill Long, M.A. Ed.
Licensed Professional Counselor

Alexa Rose: Medicine for Living

by Peggy Ratusz | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Music, Women

Photo by Jonny Himsel of A Song Catcher

By Peggy Ratusz

She grew up in Clifton Forge, VA. A small town where she says, “You can’t go to the grocery store without bumping into somebody you know.”

Thankfully for us, she now calls Asheville home, and has been telling the truth in songs to a plethora of audiences, for many years. Her latest release, Medicine for Living is acclaimed and award winning!

I met Alexa Rose through a mutual friend and heard her sing for the first time several years ago at an open mic. I remember turning to the person sitting next to me, and we both nodded with delight from her first turn of phrase.

We’re all in for a delightful experience as we get to know better, this weaver of deep and profound lyrics; this owner of a warm and flavorful vocal timbre that begins and ends with melodies pure and true. I sent her a series of questions for this feature and she answered them in her own thoughtful words:

How did you decide to become a songwriter?

I never really decided. One day I just began and haven’t stopped. I wrote my first song around age 13. It probably sounded like Regina Spektor or Ingrid Michaelson, my teenage songwriter crushes who, around this time, found their way through my small town radio speakers. No one ever showed me how to write a song or suggested I try it. I’m a firm believer there is no incorrect way to write a song.

Tell us about your writing process.

I love talking about process because it seems different for everyone. Sometimes I just pick up my guitar, play a chord and see what comes out of my mouth. I don’t dwell much on perfecting the lyrics in the beginning stages of the song. It’s common for the music and lyrics to find me at the same time, usually in an inconvenient place, like in the shower or on the way to work. I try to go as long as possible without writing anything down. Using the writing area of my brain tends to stunt my creative process.

Do you have a favorite original song?

On my new album, Medicine For Living, the title track is my favorite. I don’t really fall in love with my songs. I’m learning to be more gracious with them as it pertains to moderation. I don’t eat the same sandwich for lunch every day, and it’s the same thing with overplaying my songs. I try to give them rest and focus on new material.

What have you learned about yourself since you’ve made music your career?

That I’m blessed. This job is a privilege. I want to use my power carefully to say what I mean and lift others up. I’ve learned its good practice to step outside my bubble, walk in an unfamiliar neighborhood, keep friends who are and aren’t artists. Songwriters tell the story of the world as we know it and our responsibility is to challenge our paradigms, if anything, for the sake of the songs we leave behind.

Talk about your proud moments.

Winning the Chris Austin Songwriting Contest at Merlefest this year was big for me. Making a record with Big Legal Mess was another. The act of making music my career makes me proud. We are taught to dream as children, and then later told that we shouldn’t follow it simply because it doesn’t align with capitalism. I moved to North Carolina with zero connections. I owe my zest, to aligning with the music community here. It continues to encourage me. I’m proud I found the courage to steer my life in a direction meaningful to me.

Tell us about your fans.

They are amazing! Once a fan drew a picture of me riding on a giant armadillo (I love armadillos). One woman drives several hours to shows anytime we play even remotely near her. I’m their fan, because they show up and make what I’m doing worthwhile.

Talk about the amount of time and how you spend it, honing your craft.

The process is elusive. True inspiration comes in waves. I write often because it’s good to keep my mind in the habit of writing. A few years ago, I lived in the country with no electricity and more free time, so I tried to write a song a day. I wrote some bad songs and a few I kept that I wouldn’t have had otherwise (the final track on my latest album, “Untitled No. 47,” is a remnant of that project). Then sometimes I go six months without writing. I write best when there’s a pile of laundry on the chair and a little chaos in my life.

What is it about performing that keeps you pursuing opportunities to do so?

I love the variety of audiences, the changing landscapes of America, the ebb and flow of good fortune on the road. What really keeps bringing me back is when someone comes up to me after a show and tells me how a particular song is like a part of their own story, how it moved them in some way. Hearing that is totally redeeming.

Are there marked differences between what you write about and how you approach songwriting now vs. what it was, five or ten years ago?

Absolutely! Songs I wrote in my twenties were about relationships and changes all specific to my own life. After all, your own story is the one you tell with the most authority. Now I feel like I’m reaching for different subjects, as an observer. It’s a challenge because in telling another’s story I feel a larger sense of responsibility.

What are you working on now?

I’m writing songs about what I see happening in our country, about love, about change, about my great grandparents. I’m riding my bike more, cooking meals for my friends, and cuddling with my dog.

What can audiences expect to experience at one of your performances?

I tell the truth. Sometimes I bump my nose on the microphone when I close my eyes. And my bandmates always wear good hats.

What advice would you give your younger self?

Be yourself, send postcards, keep a sense of humor, and call your friends after you move away from them.

Rose is going on tour in November, but to keep up with her upcoming local performances, visit her website: alexarosemusic.com

Peggy Ratusz is a vocal coach, song interpreter, and songwriter. For vocal coaching email her at [email protected]

November Music Calendar

Plant Now for Spring’s Delight

by Betty Sharpless | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Gardening, Landscaping

By Betty Sharpless

These days, it seems like every season comes earlier and earlier. Halloween costumes are in stores in August, and Christmas décor shows up in September. However, there’s still plenty of time to plant spring bulbs for next year’s delight. I have actually planted daffodils and tulips as late as January with excellent results. The important thing is to make sure that the bulbs are still firm when you are ready to put them in the ground.

By now, many stores will have bulbs marked down for quick sale. It is perfectly acceptable to “squeeze the merchandise” to make sure you are still getting your money’s worth. If most of the bulbs in the bag are firm, go ahead and buy them. If not, feel free to haggle a little.

If you have tried to plant spring bulbs only to have them eaten by voles, deer, squirrels, and chipmunks, you need to avoid these tasty bulbs. Most critters won’t eat daffodils, narcissus, woodland and grape hyacinths, or flowering garlic (alliums). I finally had to make a strategy to co-exist with my yard wildlife. I plant twice as many crocus as I hope to have–crocus are inexpensive. If I do plant tulips, I plant them in the same shades every year. For example, all shades of purple, or all shades of yellow and orange. If I plant similar shades every year, on the rare years when I have a great bloom, they all color coordinate. I also plant a lot of daffodils and narcissus, making sure to have an even mix of early, mid, and late spring blooming varieties. All of this information will be on the packaging.

The depth that the bulb should be planted is three times the size of the bulb. A crocus only needs to rest three inches deep. A firecracker allium will need to be planted nine inches deep to support their three-foot tall flowers. I often suggest using the “Biltmore House” method to new gardeners–plant a lot of the exact same flowers for a really dramatic effect. Each year, you can plant a lot of different flowers to add to the drama.

Then, it is just a matter of waiting for spring to spring up from the ground! I always envision the final effect when planting a bulb. I love planting surprises that will make people smile year after year.

Betty Sharpless is a professional free-lance gardener, writer, and quilter who loves firecracker alliums–magic wands in the making! Follow her on Instagram @sharplessbetty

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