Communication | thesofiamagazine

Ways to Show Someone You Care About Them

by admin | Jan 28, 2022 | Asheville, Communication, Depression, Friendship, relationships

It’s important to show loved ones you care about them. Sometimes, you might imagine there’s no need because they should simply know. But, even if you’ve had a relationship with them for a long time, it’s still valuable to relay your affection. When you show you care, the bond between you strengthens and you crush any doubts that you hold them in
positive regard.

How to show someone you care:

Focus on what’s important to them

You convey your interest in someone when you focus on what’s important to them. Your attention to their likes and dislikes expresses your wish to support their happiness, and your attention suggests you find them likable.

So, if someone you care for is passionate about saving wildlife or painting, take an interest in these topics. Ask them about the plight of dwindling species or what they like to paint and why. You’ll learn more about them and show
you care.

Practice active listening

People rarely listen well to one another. They are too busy thinking about what they want to say. Or their minds wander to another subject like what they want to do later. Just as not being listened to makes people feel unloved, listening attentively helps them know you care about them.

Give people your full attention when they speak. Note their body language, what they say, and their tone of voice. Imagine what you might feel if you were in their shoes and let them speak without interrupting them.

Remember little details

Has anyone ever remembered little details about you like your favorite color or why you love your favorite movie? No doubt, if they did, it warmed your heart because you understood it meant they cared
for you.

Show you care by making a mental note of the little intrinsic things someone mentions about themselves. They may seem trivial to you, but recalling them demonstrates your affection.

Give support

Supporting someone when they need it can help them in practical and emotional ways. It can make them realize how much you care too. Knowing you are there for them when they are
at their lowest point gives them courage and shows affection.

Give someone who needs your support extra attention. Stay in contact often and ask them what you can do to help. Be available if they need your time and energy when you can, and let them know you care by being thoughtful.

Stay connected

You might not always be able to see the people you care about in person, but you can still connect. There are several ways to stay in touch. Phone them, email, or use Skype. Or join classes and carry them out together via Zoom. Don’t underestimate the power of old-fashioned snail mail, too. It’s heartening to receive a friendly letter through the post.

Show the real you

You might not have considered being your authentic
self shows you care. But people can sense when you hide essential qualities. It sends the message you don’t trust them enough to reveal the actual you.

Let people you care about see the sincere version of you so they can connect with you. Tell them when you’re upset so they can be supportive and share your hopes and dreams.

Offer spontaneous kindness

You don’t need a reason to be kind when you want to show how much you care about someone. Act with unprompted kindness now and then. Give them flowers or a potted plant “just because.” Or send an unexpected gift purchased when you were out of town for the day. Or leave an encouraging or loving note for them to find.

Spend quality time together

The amount isn’t as significant as the quality of time you spend with someone. Avoid multitasking when you’re together. Constant phone checking, for instance, signals lack of care and attention. The message is you find your phone or the people you communicate with on it more interesting. Stick with the person you’re with if you go out together too. If you meet new people,
introduce them to your companion rather than flit around the room like a lone butterfly.

Share resources

You need not always share resources with someone to show you care, but sometimes it’s fun, kind, or appropriate because that’s what people who are close do. Some resources are material such as money or food. Others are practical, like physical help, or spiritual. You can also show you care by sharing knowledge. Teaching someone skills like cooking or gardening, for example, is a valuable gift.

Give validation and acceptance

When you validate someone, you accept them as they are, and you acknowledge their views and emotions. You accept their account of what happens knowing their experience is personal and legitimate, even when yours differs.

It helps to give positive feedback too. Let people know how they affect you. If they lift your mood or help you, or you just appreciate them for being themselves, say so to demonstrate appreciation.

There are many ways to show someone you care about them. They involve giving attention and being thoughtful and generous. One of the terrific things about caring is it’s a win-win practice. When you give, you also receive. Happy hormones flood your system and your relationships blossom.

How Will You and Your Family Remember the Pandemic of 2020?

by Cheri Torres | Jun 30, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication, Conversation

By Cheri Torres

So many facets to this coronavirus pandemic. Each one brings a distinct emotional flavor: fear, grief, despair, frustration, loneliness, anger, resentment, boredom and also, joy, peace, generosity, calm, hope, rejuvenation, connection, curiosity, compassion, care, humor, and love. One event giving us an opportunity to experience the full spectrum of human emotion coupled with the full spectrum of human behavior. What we remember about this time in our lives will be at least in part the result of the conversations we have. What kind of conversations are you having with yourself, your family, and your neighbors or colleagues?

If you’re up for fostering conversations worth having with your family, be prepared to listen and be curious. Don’t rush in to fix things or solve people’s feelings or reactions. Take a deep breath and ask them to say more. You will learn more about them and they are likely to discover more about themselves at the same time. Here are some questions you might explore as a family:

How is all of this affecting you? What are you feeling? Thinking?

What are you having to let go of, even though you might not want to?

What do you sense is coming?

What are some unexpected joys or things that brighten your days?

What’s actually been a gift to you, our family, or our community?

What superpowers are you using to adapt and roll with staying at home and physical distancing?

If your kids have noticed you are highly stressed because you’ve lost your job and money is running out, talk with them about what’s happening for millions of people around the world, so they understand everyone is struggling, not just you. Let them know people are reaching out to help one another in ways we’ve not seen before. If you can see they are worrying a lot, ask them to tell you about a time when they were really worried about something going wrong, and in the end, it worked out okay. Then follow up with:

What did you value about yourself in that situation?

What did you value about the other people?

How might we draw from your experience to help us in this situation?

Consider sharing a story of your own when you were worried about some of the same things you are now, and in the end it turned out okay. Share your own strengths and how those same strengths will help you get through this.

If your kids are old enough, invite them into some of the deeper conversations this time in history is calling for. It has never been more clear that our education, healthcare, and economic systems are not working for everyone. How might we pay attention, accept the challenge, and reinvent these important elements of society so they do work for everyone. A few questions you might invite teens and young adults to discuss (or just talk about it with other adults):

How might we make education/school more effective or relevant, especially at this time?

How would you manage school under these circumstances?

What suggestions do you have for school kids who don’t have access to computers and the internet?

What do you think is important for you to learn over the next several months?

What role might you play in making sure you learn what’s important for you?

How might we reinvent our communities so everyone thrives?

How might we reinvent our economy so everyone has an opportunity to contribute and be successful?

If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for? (You can’t wish the virus away and you can’t wish for everything to go back to “normal.”)

Given all that is going on in the world, what are you most grateful for right now?

Finally, you might members of the family (or your friends and colleagues):

When you look back on this time—maybe 10-20 years from now—how do you want to remember it? And how do you want to be remembered?

If your children or grandchildren asked you, how did you manage and how did you contribute in 2020, what would you like to be able to say and have it be true?

What can we do now so that your memory is one you are proud of?

Our conversations are powerful influencers in our lives. They have the ability to strengthen our relationships, fortify our health and wellbeing, enhance our resilience, and fuel our creativity and success . . . or not. They are the single most influential tool we have at our disposal, and we have the ability to choose how we wield that tool.

How might you have conversations worth having with your family, neighbors, and colleagues? Conversations that help them stop and think about this historic moment in history.
Think about who they want to be now and what they want to be able to tell their children and grandchildren about who they and their family was during this time.

An Invitation: Transform stress and challenge into conversations worth having – join us for Monday Kickstarters. Every Monday for the next two months, from Noon – 12:30 PM EST, we are hosting a zoom call to practice turning negative and life-draining thoughts and interactions into productive and meaningful conversations.
Join any time. Reserve your seat https://lnkd.in/emZJpsp.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. Online Conversation Boot camp begins June 24. Download a free Conversation Toolkit at Conversations WorthHaving.today.

Who is accountable for our Future?

by Cheri Torres | Apr 3, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication

By Cheri Torres

In the face of climate change, polarization, and global volatility, how might each one of us step up and become accountable? As human beings dependent upon a healthy environment, why isn’t every community and organization, simply as a matter of course, concerned about “doing the right thing” for the environment? As human beings dependent upon one another for health and wealth, why aren’t communities and organizations doing the “right thing” for every person?

The bigger question is: How can we do what’s “right” and still balance the budget or be financially successful. Doing the “right thing” should be a simple decision, but it becomes complex in the face of our global monetary-based economy, human desire and fear, and marketing and political influences. This is a problem best resolved by engaging all stakeholders in outcomes-focused conversations inspired by generative questions. In other words, by talking about what we want for the long run (e.g., a healthy environment, a livable wage, equity, communities concerned for the welfare of all, etc.) and asking questions that help us think differently while creating positive and innovative images of shared and desired futures.

Some CEOs and business leaders are already engaging in such conversations at both national and international levels. They are exploring what it means to be a business with purpose beyond just profit, what it means to be guided by principles and corporate responsibility, and to ensure long-term success for all stakeholders including the organization. Associations committed to Conscious Capitalism, Business as an Agent of World Benefit, B Corporations, and Business with Purpose are sharing information and fostering conferences to support positive change and solutions to complex challenges such as these. Research is showing that as these businesses make more responsible decisions—as they choose to be accountable to all stakeholders: shareholders, vendors, employees, Directors, community and environment—their profits actually increase over the long run. In other words, they can make the “right” choice and be financially successful. Raj Sisodia, founder of Conscious Capitalism, and his colleagues have been studying these businesses to learn what works. They’ve published their results in two editions of Firms of Endearment. Their data shows the 10-year ROI for many of these companies is consistently 800% – 1200%! Isn’t that a conversation your organization would want to be in?

Any of us can influence the conversations in our communities and organizations. Ultimately, decisions may be made at a level far above our position, but imagine the influence if every member of an organization kept engaging in conversations fueled by questions such as:

• How might we produce with zero waste?

• What process could we use to avoid toxic substances?

• What might our by-products be used for?

• What could neutralize our toxic footprint?

• How might using renewable energy improve our bottom line?

• How might being a good citizen to the world improve our customer loyalty?

• Would our customers be more loyal and even pay a premium if they understood we were a zero-carbon footprint company?

• How might we serve a broader purpose, adding value for the environment or people beyond our product or service?

• How can make our bottom line be about profit, planet and people?

• What might make my work deeply meaningful?

As customers, we have conversational power as well. We can ask the organizations from which we buy goods and services:

• How are they making sure our water, air, and land remain clean?

• How are they responsible to people and planet as well as profit?

• How are they choosing to do the “right” thing because it is the right thing to do?

And we need to be willing to ask ourselves tough questions, and engage in conversations with our own family:

• Are we willing to pay the price for doing the right thing, e.g., if it means higher costs or a temporary decrease in our own ROI?

• How might we reduce our own waste and toxic footprint?

• How might we be part of the solution in our community and places of work and worship?

• How might we support creative solutions that ultimately increase overall health and wealth for
everyone?

We can be accountable to our future; we simply need the will and the commitment to generative conversations that help us find ways to do the right thing. Every farmer, every CEO, every board president, every citizen knows it’s a bad idea to pollute our water, bury toxins, and destroy our natural forests. We know it is wrong to hoard wealth while those who help produce it struggle. Only our self-limiting beliefs and lack of imagination keeps us from being accountable for our children’s children. We are human beings, however: creative, intelligent, and capable of amazing ingenuity, especially when we think collectively and positively. How might you inspire conversations that ignite our creative genius and inspire our collective will?

Wherever you are in your organization or community, start asking generative questions to fuel conversations that ignite the collective human spirit to do the right thing simply because it is the right thing.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

Why is Good Communication so Elusive?

by Cheri Torres | Jan 31, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication, relationships

By Cheri Torres

There’s a reason effective communication has remained in the top five issues in relationships and organizations. We treat it like a transaction: I say something, you receive the message and interpret it, then you respond. We point at and blame one another for not communicating effectively, for misinterpreting, or not understanding. With this model, communication becomes a problem to be solved. But, it’s not.

The Foundation of Communication

Consider that we are almost always in conversation with ourselves or others. Language allows us to create meaning in the world, assess experience, and predict. When it comes to our inner dialogue, language is the basis for rehearsing what we’re going to say, worrying about what we said, critiquing what just happened, judging others and ourselves, making up stories, running through possible solutions to problems, assessing the level of threat in a situation, projecting onto others, and worrying about or planning the future. This inner world of dialogue creates a preconditioned mindset, which influences our communication. If we want to improve our communication, mindfulness about the influence of our words and their effect on us and others is essential.

Words Influence Our Mindset

Our nervous system has two primary functions: (1) keep us safe and alive and (2) enable us to connect, think, and create. The first function is dominant. Anytime we are threatened, our nervous system activates our protect functions: fight, flight, freeze, or appease. There is a whole biochemistry associated with this. Stress hormones are released—cortisol, norepinephrine, and testosterone. These hormones boost energy and oxygen to the muscles and away from the higher order centers of the brain: the prefrontal lobe and the neocortex. They also generate an array of emotions, influenced by our thoughts. If we need to flee a saber tooth tiger, this an effective solution. However, it is most ineffective if we are instead facing a boss who’s expressing disappointment in our performance or we need to have a crucial conversation with a child. When we communicate from a place of high stress, fear, anger, etc., we have limited access to the parts of our brain that enable connection, creativity, and higher order thinking. We are bound to communicate ineffectively.

One of the primary threats in relationships and the business world is the threat of being excluded, ostracized, and rejected. Belonging is one of those basic human needs; without the tribe we die. When we have a strong sense of belonging and feel secure in our relationships and position within the organization or the family, it is easier to face stress without getting hijacked into protecting ourselves. This sense of belonging stimulates hormones that shift the brain chemistry in ways that gives us access to the prefrontal lobe and neocortex. A different set of emotions are generated by these hormones: Love, caring, appreciation, curiosity, etc. When we have access to those parts of the brain we can connect with others, access emotional intelligence, be creative, learn, and engage in critical thinking. This is what we most need for effective communication, especially in those stressful situations. So, how do we shift our brain chemistry?

Mindfulness

To foster effective communication means being in charge of your own mindset before beginning to speak.

1. You are in charge. Understand your ability to communicate effectively is influenced by your brain-body chemistry. Understand you are NOT your neurophysiology. You can influence it.

2. Practice awareness. As soon as you experience the need to protect and defend yourself, PAUSE. Take a deep breath.

3. Then, get curious. Ask questions that help you shift the way you are thinking:

• What do I actually want to happen right now?

• What else might explain what the other person said or did?

• What information might I not know?

• What questions can I ask that will expand the opportunity in this situation?

Just asking these kinds of questions changes your brain chemistry. Curiosity is a positive emotion, associated with the prefrontal lobe. When you communicate from this more whole brain place, your communication is naturally more effective. As you access emotional intelligence you are able to relate better; your body language, tone of voice, and words you use are more likely to support connection. Your ability to come from a whole brain mindset supports a shift in mindset for the others in the conversation as well, influencing their ability to communicate more effectively.

Good communication is an “inside job.” Asking questions that generate curiosity, openness, and interest helps us manage our stress response and negative emotions, allowing our natural ability for good communication
to emerge.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

Priming the Family for Great Dinner Conversations

by Cheri Torres | Dec 31, 2019 | Asheville, Communication, Conversation, Positive Change

By Cheri Torres

I’ve heard parents lament their efforts at hosting family dinners. They too often end up eating in silence after several attempts at starting a conversation. At the end of a long day, trying to talk over dinner just feels like more work. The result, we return to dining by screen light. Don’t give up! With practice, we can regain the lost art of conversation. In fact, consider adding this to your 2020 New Year’s resolutions. Here’s how you can make it easy.

First, choose a topic that has interest and inspires creative thinking. Be sure everyone can participate even if you have children at the table. Then create a positive frame for it. For example, a national discussion topic around public schooling is the achievement gap. Many of these conversations are focused on “fixing kids” or “fixing teachers.” This is a subject every child in school can weigh in on. They will have ideas and insights that adults won’t have. Here’s how you might frame such a conversation for the family:

When some of the flowers in our garden aren’t blooming, we don’t try to change the flowers, we change their environment: giving them extra nutrients, water, sunlight. Not all children bloom in our school environments. Instead of trying to change them, we can change their environment.

Then, ask questions. Let the youngest be the first to answer, make sure everyone has a chance, and no one dominates the dialogue. Be sure to join in yourself and be the last to answer. Follow up on great ideas with questions to deepen and broaden the thinking; see how they might unfold. Link similar ideas together, building and expanding the realm of possibilities. Ask questions that inspire curiosity and creative thinking; invite everyone to be part of the conversation. For example:

What are your teachers doing to help every student bloom?

When are you most alive and excited about learning?

Tell me about a specific time when you felt like you bloomed in school. What did you value about yourself, other students, and your teacher in that experience?

What do you think would help your peers who are struggling?

How can students help each other bloom? What strengths do you have that would help others?

What three wishes do you have to make schools a place where everyone blooms?

Here are some additional topics and reframes to get you started:

Anyone can come up with answers, but the sign of genius is asking great questions.

What questions did you ask today?

What are you most curious about?

What disruptive questions might change the way we think about _______.

You can also focus crafting questions on a specific topic.

What genius questions might we ask about ______?

Innovative solutions to some of our climate challenges are being discovered or developed daily, like fungi that decompose plastic, 3-D on-site building printing, and the Clean Ocean Interceptor (which cleans plastic from rivers).

What do we do in our daily living that contributes negatively to climate change?

What are some ways we could decrease our negative impact right now?

What technological innovation might allow us to keep doing what

we’re doing and not have a negative impact?

There are no problems in the world we cannot solve!

If you could solve one problem in the world, what would you solve?

What would be the outcome?

How would you know you were successful?

What are we already doing and what else might we do to achieve that?

Find an inspiring short video to kick off a conversation. To find one, google ‘inspirational videos,” “positive news,” “innovation that is changing everything,” or another uplifting topic. Then start off a conversation based upon the video. Some examples might be:

People doing good deeds for others might foster conversations guided
by questions such as:

How does this video inspire you?

How did you help someone or do a good deed for someone else today?

How can we help each other each day?

New inventions that resolve an important human need (clean water, food, housing).
Questions might include:

What do you think made it possible for this invention to come about?

What needs do we have in our community that could use an invention?

What kind of impact do you want to have in our family? Community? The world?

Remember, the art of conversation is not about right and wrong. It is not about one good solution or the best idea. The art of conversation is about fostering connection, shared understanding, and the expansion of ideas and possibilities. In our polarized world, we desperately need to rekindle the art of conversation. Tonight, inspire a family dinner conversation. Make room for everyone’s voice, even young ones. Keep asking generative questions and creating space for conversation to grow. Let’s make 2020 the year that civil and creative conversation finds its way back into our homes and communities. It can all begin around the family dinner!

Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.