Conversation | thesofiamagazine

10 Steps to have Conversations Worth Having About BIG Stuff

by Cheri Torres | Jul 30, 2020 | Asheville, Conversation, Pandemic, Social

By Cheri Torres,

This year has brought to a head many conversations we should have been having, but weren’t: It wasn’t the right time. They made us uncomfortable. Why bother, we couldn’t change things. Those in power wouldn’t listen. Too stressful. Not enough time, not enough information. The list could go on and on. The topics are BIG: Among them are systemic racism, social, economic, and educational disparity, governance, climate change, and health care.

Pick the topic that is near and dear to your heart and develop your capacity to begin the conversations, even though they might be uncomfortable and the outcomes uncertain. They may be volatile because divisiveness and hostility are fueling social media. Pause, take a deep breath, and get curious. Invite mutuality.

Start by acknowledging these topics are complex and ambiguous; no one person or small group of people can possibly have answers. It is going to take all of us, willing to engage, willing to change our minds, be influenced by one, and be open to the possibility that there just might be a better future for all of us. How might we imagine that together? I don’t have any answers, but I do know at least some of the important concepts necessary for us to have these conversations:

1. Accept change as a constant. It’s here and there’s going to be a lot more of it. If you can embrace it, all the better.

2. We’re Entering the Unknown. To quote Star Trek: We are boldly going where no one has been before. To see what we’ve never even imagined means dreaming together. Linking ideas. Using metaphor, biomimicry, and imagination about new possible futures.

3. It’s Complex, No One Knows the
Answer. In complex challenges, solutions emerge in the process of generative inquiry. This means asking questions that challenge people to think and see differently, including yourself. To examine assumptions, clarify needs and desired outcomes. To imagine the impossible and to stare long enough at the horizon to allow the future to come into focus.

4. Adopt a Beginner’s Mindset. Engage with the heart and eyes of innocence: be curious, wonder, be open, let go of preconceived ideas, judgments, and assumptions. None of us knows what’s best at this point in history.

5. Come from Your Square. Draw a 1’x1’ square on the floor and then stand in that space. Enter these conversations with the assumption that that space is all you know: You know your story, experience, feelings, needs and wants, period.

6. Let Others Come from Their Square. Recognize that every person in the conversation is standing in their own 1’x1’ box, wanting the same thing you do: to be seen, heard, valued, and included.

7. Listen to One Another. Deep listening will be absolutely essential. Listening to really hear what others are expressing. Listen with an open mind, open heart, and open will. This means listening without downloading your responses or assessing what the other is saying, without judging, and without automatically dismissing suggestions.

8. Adopt an Attitude of Curiosity. Genuine curiosity often arises when you authentically stand in the 1’x1’ square with open mind, heart, and will. Ask questions to clarify another’s perspective, to truly understand their story, to learn from their experiences, and to find ways you might entertain their ideas. Generative questions help us broaden our own understanding and see possibilities where there were none.

9. Focus on Outcomes. Focus the conversations on what you want more of, on the outcomes that will come into being when we have a solution to an issue. For example, instead of focusing on immigration as a problem, focus on the outcomes that would accrue if immigration was not a problem. Focusing on the problem often gives us a single point of view solution, like no more immigration. Focusing on desired outcomes broadens and builds possibilities for solutions. For example, one of the hoped-for outcomes might be that everyone in the country feels safe, secure, and economically stable. We could have a conversation that helps us explore how to make sure everyone in the country feels safe, secure, and economically stable. Closing immigration might or might not be one of many solutions that emerge.

10. Be OK with Being Uncomfortable. Really listening to other people’s points of view with an open mind, heart, and will is bound to get uncomfortable at times. Especially if it bumps up against your values. Be willing to allow the possibility that there’s more than one right way. Any time you feel triggered, pause and breathe deeply. Circle back #4-#9.

It’s time to have these important conversations. Time to start talking with those who are least like us. Those we call “other;” those who need the system to work for them as well. The future depends upon us. Our children’s and their children’s children’s lives depend upon our ability to have the kind of conversations that build new and strong relationships across differences and enable us to co-create our systems so that they work for everyone.

The future can’t help but be uncertain. The current social and economic systems have reached their sustainable capacity. They have brought us to where we are. They cannot take us forward and we cannot go back. The future requires that we intentionally co-create it. To do that we must have conversations worth having.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. For information on training, certification and to download a free Conversation Toolkit go to Conversations WorthHaving.today.

How Will You and Your Family Remember the Pandemic of 2020?

by Cheri Torres | Jun 30, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Communication, Conversation

By Cheri Torres

So many facets to this coronavirus pandemic. Each one brings a distinct emotional flavor: fear, grief, despair, frustration, loneliness, anger, resentment, boredom and also, joy, peace, generosity, calm, hope, rejuvenation, connection, curiosity, compassion, care, humor, and love. One event giving us an opportunity to experience the full spectrum of human emotion coupled with the full spectrum of human behavior. What we remember about this time in our lives will be at least in part the result of the conversations we have. What kind of conversations are you having with yourself, your family, and your neighbors or colleagues?

If you’re up for fostering conversations worth having with your family, be prepared to listen and be curious. Don’t rush in to fix things or solve people’s feelings or reactions. Take a deep breath and ask them to say more. You will learn more about them and they are likely to discover more about themselves at the same time. Here are some questions you might explore as a family:

How is all of this affecting you? What are you feeling? Thinking?

What are you having to let go of, even though you might not want to?

What do you sense is coming?

What are some unexpected joys or things that brighten your days?

What’s actually been a gift to you, our family, or our community?

What superpowers are you using to adapt and roll with staying at home and physical distancing?

If your kids have noticed you are highly stressed because you’ve lost your job and money is running out, talk with them about what’s happening for millions of people around the world, so they understand everyone is struggling, not just you. Let them know people are reaching out to help one another in ways we’ve not seen before. If you can see they are worrying a lot, ask them to tell you about a time when they were really worried about something going wrong, and in the end, it worked out okay. Then follow up with:

What did you value about yourself in that situation?

What did you value about the other people?

How might we draw from your experience to help us in this situation?

Consider sharing a story of your own when you were worried about some of the same things you are now, and in the end it turned out okay. Share your own strengths and how those same strengths will help you get through this.

If your kids are old enough, invite them into some of the deeper conversations this time in history is calling for. It has never been more clear that our education, healthcare, and economic systems are not working for everyone. How might we pay attention, accept the challenge, and reinvent these important elements of society so they do work for everyone. A few questions you might invite teens and young adults to discuss (or just talk about it with other adults):

How might we make education/school more effective or relevant, especially at this time?

How would you manage school under these circumstances?

What suggestions do you have for school kids who don’t have access to computers and the internet?

What do you think is important for you to learn over the next several months?

What role might you play in making sure you learn what’s important for you?

How might we reinvent our communities so everyone thrives?

How might we reinvent our economy so everyone has an opportunity to contribute and be successful?

If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for? (You can’t wish the virus away and you can’t wish for everything to go back to “normal.”)

Given all that is going on in the world, what are you most grateful for right now?

Finally, you might members of the family (or your friends and colleagues):

When you look back on this time—maybe 10-20 years from now—how do you want to remember it? And how do you want to be remembered?

If your children or grandchildren asked you, how did you manage and how did you contribute in 2020, what would you like to be able to say and have it be true?

What can we do now so that your memory is one you are proud of?

Our conversations are powerful influencers in our lives. They have the ability to strengthen our relationships, fortify our health and wellbeing, enhance our resilience, and fuel our creativity and success . . . or not. They are the single most influential tool we have at our disposal, and we have the ability to choose how we wield that tool.

How might you have conversations worth having with your family, neighbors, and colleagues? Conversations that help them stop and think about this historic moment in history.
Think about who they want to be now and what they want to be able to tell their children and grandchildren about who they and their family was during this time.

An Invitation: Transform stress and challenge into conversations worth having – join us for Monday Kickstarters. Every Monday for the next two months, from Noon – 12:30 PM EST, we are hosting a zoom call to practice turning negative and life-draining thoughts and interactions into productive and meaningful conversations.
Join any time. Reserve your seat https://lnkd.in/emZJpsp.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. Online Conversation Boot camp begins June 24. Download a free Conversation Toolkit at Conversations WorthHaving.today.

Books that Inspire

by Cheri Torres | Feb 28, 2020 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Conversation, Leadership, Women

By Cheri Torres

I am inspired by two books I recently read: Little Fires Everywhere, by Celeste Ng, and Braiding Sweetgrass, by Robin Wall Kimmerer. Each of these wonderful storytellers pave the way for meaningful conversation about a critical topic. What delights me is the way they frame the conversations. They invite us to see the complexity of reality and ask us to recognize how detrimental it is to see things from narrow, objective, non-relational perspectives. What each of these books have in common is their invitation to see the world through the eyes of the artist and poet. To see reality from a more holistic perspective and to embrace multiple ways of knowing the world.

Celeste Ng’s story brings the reader into the complex world of privilege and discrimination in ways that allow us to see how systems of privilege stifle authenticity and genuine meaningful living at all levels. Exposed to each character’s hopes, perspectives, and pain, we have the opportunity to see how polarity and positioning around important decisions gives way to the system, leaving little room for authentic choice. The artist’s view, however, invites us to see beneath a character’s thoughts and emotions, to see the spiritual crisis the current system generates for everyone in it. She gives us a window into a world where people are seen, where genuine relationships might allow us to connect, deepen understanding, and find a way forward that defined by ‘us’ instead of the system.

How might we foster conversations about racial justice that allow us to make room to hear one another’s stories, to bear witness to one another’s struggle to be human, and to share a commitment to creating a world that works for everyone. The two practices from Conversations Worth Having support such conversations: create a positive frame for the conversation and ask generative questions. For example, positive frames and generative questions for conversations around equity and racial justice might be:

• Frame: Connecting through Our Stories

• Tell me about a time of struggle in your life and how you dealt/deal with it. What do you most value about yourself and others in your story?

• How does our current system of inequity negatively impact you?

• How is our current system impacting you and your ability to thrive?

• How do your strengths and privileges show up in your life? How might they help us move toward an equitable system?

• Frame: Creating Share Images of the Future

• What three wishes do you have for the future?

• What would genuine equity in our schools look like?

• Imagine community decision making was equitable. What would be different? How would we know it was equitable and just?

• Frame: Developing Pathways Toward Equity

• What steps might be taken to ensure equity?

• What three things can we do to get started?

• How can we design our schools and train our teachers to ensure equity?

In Braiding Sweetgrass, Dr. Kimmerer invites us out of the polarization around climate change by showing us a more whole way of seeing the world. Emphasizing relationships, she encourages us to embrace multiple ways of knowing in order to inform a broader perspective of the world around us. Instead of either/or, black and white thinking, we are encouraged to recognize the world as both object and subject, both material and metaphysical. Instead of polarity, the invitation is to come into relationship with nature, to see our connection and interdependence so that we can have conversations at a level that just might allow us to find ways forward.

Again, the two practices from Conversations Worth Having are of value. Sharing our stories helps us connect to one another, opening the door for us to discover our commonalities around important topics. Framing further conversation to support possibilities for the future creates a bridge for us to move forward together. For example:

Frame 1: Our Common Connections to Nature

• Tell me about a time in your life when you felt most connected to nature. What did you value about yourself? What did you value about nature?

• How does nature and our environment impact you, your family, and our community?

• What is your relationship with nature and the environment?

Frame 2: A Shared Vision for Our Relationship with the Environment

• Imagine we had a relationship with nature and our environment that was mutually beneficial.
What might that look like?

• If we redesigned our neighborhoods and communities to embrace nature and nurture flourishing, what would they look like?

• Imagine you have an intimate and positive relationship with all of nature. What would that mean for you? How would you benefit? How would nature benefit?

Frame 3: Designing for Wholeness

• What can we do now to create neighborhoods and communities that embrace nature and nurture flourishing?

• What three things can each of us do to feel connected to nature each day?

• What action might the city take to ensure our environment thrives so that we can thrive? What role can we play in making that possible?

Whether you are reading books that inspire conversations about vital topics or not, such conversations are essential to our future. I invite you to join me in shifting those conversations away from the personal—us against them, me vs. you, one right way, mine—and toward dialogue that helps us find common ground, allows us to envision futures that work well for the whole, and creates possibilities for collaborative action. I actually want to do more than invite you to join me, I implore you to do so. The lives of our children and our children’s children quite literally depend upon it.

Cheri Torres is an author and speaker cheritorres.com. You can download a free Conversation Toolkit and learn more sparking great conversations at ConversationsWorthHaving.today.

Priming the Family for Great Dinner Conversations

by Cheri Torres | Dec 31, 2019 | Asheville, Communication, Conversation, Positive Change

By Cheri Torres

I’ve heard parents lament their efforts at hosting family dinners. They too often end up eating in silence after several attempts at starting a conversation. At the end of a long day, trying to talk over dinner just feels like more work. The result, we return to dining by screen light. Don’t give up! With practice, we can regain the lost art of conversation. In fact, consider adding this to your 2020 New Year’s resolutions. Here’s how you can make it easy.

First, choose a topic that has interest and inspires creative thinking. Be sure everyone can participate even if you have children at the table. Then create a positive frame for it. For example, a national discussion topic around public schooling is the achievement gap. Many of these conversations are focused on “fixing kids” or “fixing teachers.” This is a subject every child in school can weigh in on. They will have ideas and insights that adults won’t have. Here’s how you might frame such a conversation for the family:

When some of the flowers in our garden aren’t blooming, we don’t try to change the flowers, we change their environment: giving them extra nutrients, water, sunlight. Not all children bloom in our school environments. Instead of trying to change them, we can change their environment.

Then, ask questions. Let the youngest be the first to answer, make sure everyone has a chance, and no one dominates the dialogue. Be sure to join in yourself and be the last to answer. Follow up on great ideas with questions to deepen and broaden the thinking; see how they might unfold. Link similar ideas together, building and expanding the realm of possibilities. Ask questions that inspire curiosity and creative thinking; invite everyone to be part of the conversation. For example:

What are your teachers doing to help every student bloom?

When are you most alive and excited about learning?

Tell me about a specific time when you felt like you bloomed in school. What did you value about yourself, other students, and your teacher in that experience?

What do you think would help your peers who are struggling?

How can students help each other bloom? What strengths do you have that would help others?

What three wishes do you have to make schools a place where everyone blooms?

Here are some additional topics and reframes to get you started:

Anyone can come up with answers, but the sign of genius is asking great questions.

What questions did you ask today?

What are you most curious about?

What disruptive questions might change the way we think about _______.

You can also focus crafting questions on a specific topic.

What genius questions might we ask about ______?

Innovative solutions to some of our climate challenges are being discovered or developed daily, like fungi that decompose plastic, 3-D on-site building printing, and the Clean Ocean Interceptor (which cleans plastic from rivers).

What do we do in our daily living that contributes negatively to climate change?

What are some ways we could decrease our negative impact right now?

What technological innovation might allow us to keep doing what

we’re doing and not have a negative impact?

There are no problems in the world we cannot solve!

If you could solve one problem in the world, what would you solve?

What would be the outcome?

How would you know you were successful?

What are we already doing and what else might we do to achieve that?

Find an inspiring short video to kick off a conversation. To find one, google ‘inspirational videos,” “positive news,” “innovation that is changing everything,” or another uplifting topic. Then start off a conversation based upon the video. Some examples might be:

People doing good deeds for others might foster conversations guided
by questions such as:

How does this video inspire you?

How did you help someone or do a good deed for someone else today?

How can we help each other each day?

New inventions that resolve an important human need (clean water, food, housing).
Questions might include:

What do you think made it possible for this invention to come about?

What needs do we have in our community that could use an invention?

What kind of impact do you want to have in our family? Community? The world?

Remember, the art of conversation is not about right and wrong. It is not about one good solution or the best idea. The art of conversation is about fostering connection, shared understanding, and the expansion of ideas and possibilities. In our polarized world, we desperately need to rekindle the art of conversation. Tonight, inspire a family dinner conversation. Make room for everyone’s voice, even young ones. Keep asking generative questions and creating space for conversation to grow. Let’s make 2020 the year that civil and creative conversation finds its way back into our homes and communities. It can all begin around the family dinner!

Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.

Holiday Conversations Worth Having

by Cheri Torres | Dec 3, 2019 | Asheville, Collaborative Learning, Conversation

By Cheri Torres

Holiday season brings joyful expectations. It is also often accompanied by stress and anxiety. Paying attention to your interactions and intentionally fostering a positive tone and direction can go a long way toward making sure your holidays stay fun and happy.

Watch that Non-Stop Inner Dialogue

This is a time of year to intentionally watch your conversations. Make sure they’re worth having. Begin with the conversations you’re having with yourself. Is your internal dialogue fueling stress and anxiety? If you’re fretting, worrying, imagining what might go wrong, the answer is yes. Those kinds of inner conversations heavily influence what actually happens. Here’s how: Biologically, these conversations trigger the release of “stress hormones”: Cortisol, norepinephrine, and testosterone are the three major ones. This biochemical soup preps our fight or flight response. The bigger the dose, the bigger the response. This, in turn:

• Increases our heart rate

• Increases our blood pressure

• Suppresses our immune system

• Decreases access to the brain’s prefrontal lobe and neocortex, which means limited access to emotional intelligence, creativity, and higher order thinking. It influences perception, even affecting our ability to hear and see accurately.

When we’re primed in this way, we often over-react, misjudge, misunderstand, respond aggressively, snap, and make bad decisions. Such stress leads to over-eating and drinking, which in turn, inhibits a good night’s sleep, adding to our stress. All our fears
and anxieties become self-fulfilling prophecies.

What to do?

Pay attention to those internal conversations.
Stop the inner critic and negative voice in three steps:
Pause, breathe, and get curious.

Pause. When you pause, you step back for a moment. In stepping back, you have the opportunity to recognize you are not your thoughts and inner comments. You are simply having them, which means you can choose to have different thoughts.

Breathe. Take a few deep belly breaths. This too gives you distance from the thoughts and it has a calming effect on the nervous system, giving you just enough space to ask a question.

Get Curious. This is how you begin to shift your thinking. Ask yourself a few generative questions, one’s that help you shift your thinking:

• Am I tired? Hungry?
Overwhelmed? What do I need right now?

• What do I want to happen?

• What assumptions am I making?

• What can I do to influence what actually happens?

• Are my beliefs about a situation true? Am I sure? Absolutely sure?

• What’s really important right now?

• Who might help? What might I ask for?

• What might be going on for the other person? What else might explain their behavior?

Curiosity naturally shifts your brain chemistry. Just asking questions like these and sincerely entertaining them, will loosen the grip that stressful thinking has. Pay attention to the new thinking that emerges. Watch for opportunities to ask questions that create compelling positive images of what you would like to have happen, such as opportunities for real connection, a focus on love and care, or dinner conversations that inspire and connect everyone.

Conversations at Family Gatherings

Speaking of dinner conversations. Conflicting views on politics can turn an otherwise happy occasion into an acid stomach and a “Thank goodness that’s over for another year!” experience. This year try something different. Instead of attempting to make sure touchy topics don’t arise, pause, breathe and get curious. While everyone else is still holding their breath, turn that controversial comment into a conversation worth having by asking questions. Ask generative questions: questions that shift the way people think, deepen understanding and connection, and shine the light on the thinking and feeling behind the comment. Regardless of who says it or which side of the political arena they are on, you can invite them to go deeper. If someone offers a bold and profound statement about one party or the other, or some event, come from a place of genuine curiosity:

• What makes you think that?

• What do you think is really go on?

• What do you think is in the best interests of our country?

• What’s most important to you in all of this and why?

• How might we find a pathway forward that unites us?

• Where do you get your information and how do you fact check? How can we know if our fact checker is legit?

• Underneath all of this, what are we really most afraid of or concerned about?

• If you were in charge, what would you do?

Each of these questions might be answered by multiple people leading to a discussion that just might turn into a conversation worth having.

Alternatively, start your own conversations about what’s important at the local level. People might have controversial answers, but you can frame the conversations in ways that allow you to keep coming back to an outcome that works for everyone. When objections are raised, return to, “Yes, but what if we could . . .. Imagine that . . . How might we . . .”

May your holidays be filled with joy and opportunities to continuous move towards connections and
outcomes that work for all of us.

3 Practices to GET AHEAD at Work

by Cheri Torres | Oct 31, 2019 | Asheville, Conversation, Management

By Cheri Torres

No matter where you are in your organization, you can make a difference and get noticed. If you’re in management, you can fuel productivity and meaningful engagement. If you’re on the front line, you can inspire teamwork and creativity. You can even address issues with your boss effectively. You can do all of this through conversation.

We forget how powerful our conversations are. They influence our wellbeing, relationships, and ability to succeed. Become a conversation change agent and you will become a valued member of your organization. There are three simple practices that will help you catalyze conversations worth having.

#1: Pause, Breathe, Get Curious

How often do you feel defensive, annoyed, or critical of your colleagues or boss? They do something and you get triggered. This natural response to stress or threat is normal, but not helpful. This first practice is: PAUSE before reacting. Take a deep breath. And get curious: Why are you defensive? Have you made assumptions? Are you sure what you think is true? Absolutely sure?

Example: you’re walking down the hallway toward your boss. As you pass by, you smile and say, “Hi!” She says nothing; she is scowling. You feel rejected, and think, “She’s arrogant.” Fear creeps: What if she didn’t like the report you just turned in. You’re starting to make up stories.

Let’s apply Practice #1. Pause. Breathe and recognize that you just got triggered. Then get curious:

1. What are the facts? You said “Hi!” She didn’t answer. Her face had an unhappy-kind-of-expression. She didn’t say anything. You got triggered. That’s it. Everything else is made up.

2. What else might explain those facts? She was lost in thought and didn’t hear you. She just heard bad news. She was headed to a meeting she was worried about. She’s not feeling well.

3. Question assumptions. Has she even read your report yet? Is she an arrogant person?

Just asking yourself these few questions can shift your thinking and feeling. Genuine curiosity emerges: Is she okay? Is there anything you can do to support her?

You can use this practice to help you shift from self-protection to connection. You can also use it to shift meeting dynamics. Imagine your team is arguing. You might say, “Let’s pause. Can we take a moment to get the facts up on the board and begin to see what we know and don’t know?” Once that’s done, you might say, “I’m not as clear as I thought I was. What outcome are we hoping for?” Just these simple questions can shift the tone and direction of the original conversation.

#2: Ask Generative Questions

Generative questions shift the way people think. In the above examples, your thinking about your boss and your team’s thinking shifted because of the nature of the questions. Generative questions also create compelling images that inspire action. Once all the facts are on the whiteboard and you have a shared understanding of the outcome, you might ask a question that creates compelling images such as, “How might we move towards our desired outcome?”

Generative questions typically result in:

1. Stronger relationships because people take time to ask one another questions that create connection, inclusion, and understanding.

2. New information and new knowledge because asking questions has surfaced facts, challenged assumptions, and brought forth collective wisdom.

3. Possibilities for solutions and actions because people ask questions that enable divergent and creative thinking.

4. Images of the future because people ask questions about desired outcomes.

#3: Create a Positive Frame

The last practice is to talk about what you want instead of what you don’t want. When there are problems or complaints, flip the focus to desired outcomes. For example, if your staff is complaining, instead of asking them, “What’s wrong?” Ask them, “What would you like to see change? What might we do to improve things?”

If you need to address a problem with your boss, you are not likely to point out what he is doing wrong. Instead, create a positive frame for the conversation and ask generative questions. Example: Imagine you keep getting last minute assignments at the end of the day. You might frame a conversation with your boss around wanting to excel in the job. You might ask generative questions like, “What ideas do you have to help me be successful when you give me assignments?” and “If I have questions I want to ask to make sure we’re on the same page about the outcome of my work, when is the best time for me to ask?” Then engage in a conversation that ensures you are able to meet or exceed his expectations.

No matter what is happening in your organization or where you sit hierarchically, you can make a positive difference simply by fostering conversations worth having. And when you do, you will be noticed!

Cheri Torres is Lead Catalyst for positive change and organization consultant with Collaborative by Design. Visit ConversationsWorthHaving.today to download a free Conversation Toolkit, or visit cheritorres.com.